It happened again. And it didn’t surprise me that it happened again.
Earlier that night, I had reacted to how my husband handled a situation with one of our children. And my reaction was total disapproval. Without thinking through my response, and worse, without praying about my response, I instead observed, judged, and reacted.
And, unsurprisingly, my outrage was unfounded.
But my disapproval may have been merited. And there is a difference.
The difference lies in the tiny space between righteous anger and wrath. Between patience and impulsiveness. Between responding and reacting.
I realized that I had been subconsciously keeping count of the times I’d disagreed with his discipline approach for a long time.
Sometimes I’d discuss it with him, and other times I would silently tuck it away in my memory to come back to when I felt it necessary. And it was this quiet “keeping score” that caused me to observe, judge, and react on this particular night.
I had been holding on to instances from the past that I perceived as his parenting failures. Simply holding on to these perceived wrongdoings meant I never forgave him for any of his previous mistakes. Further, he wasn’t even aware of my feelings about them until now, when I self-righteously scolded him for doing the wrong thing … again.
Our Lord Jesus tells us, “If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your transgressions.” (Mt. 6:14-15)
When we operate in unforgiveness, our hearts become hardened. And it can end in disaster. It looks ugly. Instead of a situation where we could have discussed a better approach, it became me versus him, with me as the self-proclaimed perfect parent.
I think this is what Jesus means when he says, “neither will your Father forgive your transgressions.” If I am not operating in forgiveness, my heart is hardened. How can our Lord pierce my heart with his love if it remains hardened in unforgiveness? And if I don’t allow the Lord to pierce my heart with love, how can I love others well?
Thankfully, in our situation, the stakes weren’t dire — just typical husband and wife disagreements. And while we always strive to parent as a united front, we do occasionally disagree.
Nonetheless, righteous anger or discontent should lead us to take steps to resolve problems, but never to wrath. Anger should be the bridge to a solution. And with patience, which is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, we can respond rather than react to any disagreement that may arise in our marriages.
